Every week I get to go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories they did not report. This week’s stories are:
- Wisconsin held their annual cornhole championship.
- Chicago Cubs organist, Gary Pressey, has broken Cal Ripken Jr’s record for consecutive games played.
- A man’s home was broken into and cleaned.
Featuring unwanted guest John Parson. Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 6:30am and 11pm. Watch earlier episodes here.
Transcript
Written by Wills Maxwell Jr:
How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell and this is What Did We Miss? Here I tell you the stories that WWAY did not. That’s because they know what you’re interested in while I straight up ignore that.
For our first story we take a look at the Wisconsin State Championship Cornhole Tournament. Yep, cornhole’s a competitive sport so if you’ve only been playing it for fun I hope you feel silly. Sit there and think about all the time you’ve wasted by not actively getting better at underhand tossing a sandbag. The best players in the state showed up and when I say “the best” I mean whoever paid the $30 registration fee. Division winners are eligible to compete in the World Cornhole Tournament because if you’re the best in Wisconsin, you’re the best in the country.
For more on this, we go to our first ever return guest. We had him here to talk about competing in the Wisconsin Horseshoe Championship so of course, we had to get him back. Ladies and gentleman, Ben Hart.
John (Intense): Cornhole is just like horseshoes! It’s a sand-filled horseshoe going through a flat wooden sta-
Wills: John, what are you doing here? We were supposed to have Ben back.
John: Ben was unable to make it after I bribed him not to come.
Wills: John-
John: I saw you were having your first repeat guest and I figured it should be me. I was a fan favorite.
Wills: You were never a guest. You were an intruder who kept-
John: Stealing the spotlight. I know. But give me a chance. I’m a generous scene partner. I promise I won’t pull focus from you- by much.
Wills: We’re not doing this man.
John: Okay, I hear you, I respect you and I admire you. I’m gone.
Chicago Cubs organist Gary Pressey broke Cal Ripkens, Jr record for most consecutive games played. The Chicago native has played the organ at Wrigley Field for over 2663 games straight.
John (Old man): Yes, I never can miss a day of baseball. Of course, when I was a kid we called it Peachball. You see, we couldn’t afford real sports equipment so we’d play with rotten peaches. Yessir, every run’s a home run when the ball splatters once it hits the business end of a broomstick.
Wills: John, I don’t think the guy’s that old.
John: Oh, the songs we used to sing.
Take me out to peach tree/Grab a broomstick to go
Pay me a full dime for my labors/Or I’ll be forc’d to steal from neighbors
Wills: Dude go!
Massachusetts man, Nate Roman knew someone had broken into his home because it was clean. The intruder cleaned his bathrooms, took out the trash, tidied up several rooms and left an origami flower behind. Roman says he thinks a professional service cleaned his home by mistake. I hope so because the alternative is we now have the scariest home invader ever.
John (calm): The world’s a filthy place. If I have to clean it one break & enter at a time then so be it. I will see this world purged. I will see it cleansed. And I will see that the dishes aren’t piled in the sink.
(John looks at Wills)
Wills: No, I actually like this character. Let’s do this. Why do this? What’s the message you’re trying to send?
John: Pay me a full dime for my labor! (keeps singing)
Wills: John Parson, everybody. I’m Wills Maxwell and that’s what we missed. (joins in with John)
Take me out to peach tree/Grab a broomstick to go
Pay me a full dime for my labors/Or I’ll be forc’d to steal from neighbors
For it’s sploosh-sploosh-sploosh on your own clothes
And of course it will stain!
For it’s 1, 2, 3 meals a month at the old peach game!
Wills Maxwell Jr. 