Tag: comedy news

What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Climate activist tackled at Paris fashion show

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Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories that need more attention. This week’s stories are:

  • A climate change activist took to the runway at the Louis Vuitton fashion show.
  • A new statue in Jersey City features a woman in a  “shushing” pose. 
  • An 81-year-old skateboarder just picked up the sport 2 years ago.

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7:30 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this is “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories you might have missed. Don’t worry, you never needed to know them.

First up, we take a look at the Louis Vuitton show during Paris’ Fashion Week and not just because I’m known for being trendy. The show took an unexpected turn when an activist came down the catwalk holding a banner to protest overconsumption and its effects on the environment.I know she doesn’t belong but, that’s a pretty good runway strut. I mean, Tyra might have some notes about how she’s not smizing isn’t compensating for the face mask but seriously, 7/10. The protester was trying to sashay away when security intercepted her.Why tackle her on the way back. First off, we read the message already. Damage done. Next, she’s leaving. You’re just making her exit take longer. This man is if “And stay out!” was a person. The activist was thrown into the street while two of her accomplices were arrested. They were released and had their cases thrown out because the courts don’t recognize the authority of the fashion police.

Residents in Jersey City can’t stop talking about the new art installation along the Hudson River. “Water’s Soul” by James Plensa features the head of a woman holding up her finger in a shushing pose. The 80-foot librarian is meant to encourage people to be still and self-reflect.Plensa said he hopes the sculpture becomes an icon for Jersey City and quote “acts to unite the City of Jersey City and New York City” The only problem is, it’s facing across the river and aimed at Manhattan. With respect, have you ever tried to tell a New Yorker to be quiet? For my New Yorkers who got mad at that joke, I want to point out… you just yelled at your TV. Just now, someone shouted “Hey! I’m not loud!” This statue is about to end up so deep in the Hudson, Chesley Sullenberger won’t be able to save it.

A 20-story skyscraper in Sweden is made entirely out of wood. “Fine by me!” says the Big Bad Wolf.

Meet Yoshio Kinoshita. This avid skateboarder is learning new tricks and just started skateboarding 2 years ago, when he was a spry 79-years-old. He’s 81. This man is literally older than skateboards. I know, I Binged it up. Kinoshita began skateboarding after he randomly bought a board he saw on sale. None of my impulse purchases ever flourished into new and fascinating skills. No one wants to see all of the things I can do with snuggie. Lie down, mostly. Mostly, lie down… and not even for long. I have to readjust. Yoshio recommends skateboarding as an excellent activity for senior citizens to combat dementia and I recommend literally anything you don’t need to wear a helmet for.

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.

What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Goats run loose in Atlanta

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Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories that need more attention. This week’s stories are:

  • Several goats escaped and roamed the city of Atlanta. 
  • A new statue in Spain shows a young woman drowning in the tide. 
  • French President Emmanual Macron was hit with an egg

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7:30 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this is “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories you might not have heard. It’s like a make-up class for useless news. 

First up, we head to Georgia where a herd of goats escaped and roamed the capital city making it “GoAtlanta”: A portmanteau that’s better written than said. The goats were rented by a supermarket to clear weeds out of the lawn which I take to mean someone was asked to order weedeaters and they misunderstood the assignment. The goats slipped outside their fencing which is why you just get a trimmer. You know what trimmers don’t do? Escape. You’ve never seen a bunch of landscapers on riding mowers, tearing through the city as they lasso runaway trimmers. Police, animal control, volunteers were able to round up all of the goats without any injuries. The herbivores were seen grazing at a furniture outlet making it “Rooms-to-Goat” A portmanteau that’s better said than written.

Next we go to Spain where a new statue is causing a stir. As the tide of the River Nervion lowers it reveals the face of a young woman who appears to be completely okay with drowning. I mean, why not? It happens to her several times a day. The completely unannounced piece was installed overnight and caught residents offguard. Which is really the only way to do it. There’s no way to warn people like “Hey, tomorrow you’re going to see a fiberglass giant that looks like she needs to be saved. She doesn’t. Don’t jump in.” Artist Ruben Orozco named the piece “Bihar” which is Basque for “tomorrow”. It serves as a warning about climate change so it should be called “The day after bihar” The artist says the statue reminds people that “their actions can sink us or keep us afloat” Another reminder that climate change is the world’s most stressful group project. 

French President Emmanuel Macron was visiting a food trade fair in Lyon when someone threw an egg at him. The 19-year-old who threw the egg will likely face charges for “assault on a public official” but worse for them… the egg didn’t even crack on Macron. It bounced off of him like he was a mattress in a Tempurpedic commercial. It’s a bad day when you attempt a produce-related felony and egg only ends up on your face. A spokesperson for the President says the event is being overblown on account of the 2 hours Macron spent being warmly received by the crowd. Look, all of the minutes of people not actively throwing an egg don’t matter once someone throws an egg at him. That’s what the story is about now. If I drive my car for 10 hours and then crash it into a painted mountainside I mistook for a tunnel, no one will want to hear about tall the time I spent listening to audiobooks.

Folks, this week makes it a very important milestone for the show. As of this week, we’ve been doing “What Did We Miss? For 5 years which is insane to me. I owe that all to you. Thank you all so much for watching the show, for sharing the show, for reaching out to me and telling me you like it. There hasn’t been a single day these 5 years where it hasn’t seemed insane to me that I get to do this. And if this is the first episode you’ve ever seen… there’s 5 years’ worth of episodes at wwaytv3.com/what-did-we-miss with a healthy amount of hyphens in there as well. So check that out. From the bottom of my heart folks, thank you all very much.

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.

What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Cows airlifted down Swiss mountainside

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Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories that need more attention. This week’s stories are:

  • French artist, Saype, painted a 1500-meter portrait on a mountainside.  
  • Cows were airlifted down the Alps.
  • NYPD removed 10,000 bees swarming a street sign. 
  • A neighborhood in Argentina is overrun with capybaras.

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7:30 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this is “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories you might not have heard because you were too busy following real news.

First we head into the Swiss Alps to take in a truly breathtaking sight. Just an awe-inspiring, thrilling, spectacula- are you looking at the massive mountainside art right now. I mean, it’s not what I was talking about but this is pretty cool too. French artist, Saype, created this stunning 1500 square meter painting using biodegradable paint. Titled“A New Lease On Life”, it’s meant to evoke that feeling of childlike wonder. It’s a reminder to look at the small things with awe. In that spirit… we have to get to that breathtaking sight I was telling you about.

Behold, The hills are alive with the sound of mooing! Every year, cows make their way to the lower pastures of the Alps. Typically they hoof it but some cows can’t traverse the tricky terrain due to age or injury. That’s when… they get to the chopper.12 cows were hooked up to a harness and flown down the mountain. Even if that cow’s injury heals, it’s never making that walk again. This cow now knows what it feels like to fly and will spend the rest of its bovine life chasing that literal high. Also, the flying ones are never hanging out with the walking cows again. They’re on another social stratosphere. People who fly first class don’t have Greyhound friends. Those cows are now snobs talking to each other like “My word, did you catch that artwork?”

Midtown Manhattan was abuzz with over 10,000 bees swarming a street pole. New York Police Department was called to the scene. I assume, to cite the bees for loitering. The NYPD beekeeper retired the day before. If you already knew the NYPD had a beekeeper, do me a favor and pretend you didn’t so you can be shocked with me. This was handled by his replacement, Detective Travis from NYPD’s Special Ops. One thing I know about Detective Travis: When he introduces himself, he just says he works Special Ops, the beekeeping thing is on a need-to-know. Police work requires a lot of bravery but… this is the bravest cop I’ve seen in my life. The man is out here vacuuming bees in a short sleeve t-shirt. That were me, I’d have on more layers than Shrek’s feelings.

Finally, we go to Argentina where an upscale neighborhood is overrun with Capybaras. Capybaras are the world’s largest rodents and the closest thing real life has to Pokemon. Hundreds of them are eating up the lawns and gardens in this gated community. The neighborhood was built on the Paraná wetlands, the capybara’s habitat. Yeah, you moved into their home. They’ll be around. You can’t just move into someone’s home and be annoyed they’re there. Don’t come in my apartment, move all your stuff in and go “You know, I like Wills.. But does he always have to be around?” If they want to remove these things, honestly hit up NYPD Special Ops. They might have something.

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.

What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Bipedal robot runs a 5k

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Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories that need more attention. This week’s stories are:

  • A bipedal robot developed at Oregon State University is the first robot to complete a 5k.
  • Audi unveils a shapeshifting car that can extend 10 inches. 
  • Two new reality shows offer the winner a trip to the International Space Station.

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7:30 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this is “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories you might not have heard. Thus, proving I have value.

Cassie, a bipedal robot invented at Oregon State University has made history by becoming the first robot to run a 5K. Cassie ran 5 kilometers on OSU’s campus with just a single charge. Folks, next month makes it 5 years that I’ve been doing this segment and I have spent just as long telling you not to trust robots. Begging, the people who make robots to stop teaching them things. Stop teaching them how to run, stop teaching how to open doors, stop teaching them how to fire guns. No one hears me… and it is exhausting. So, I’m changing my tune. Robots are eventually going to be in charge of everything and I have 5 years worth of evidence that I wasn’t cool with that. So from now on, I’m stoked about all things robotic. Beginning with Cassie’s very impressive 5K time of 53 minutes. I mean, my 5K time is 35 minutes and I can’t stand up without grunting. Cassie taught itself how to run using a deep reinforcement learning algorithm. Deep reinforcement is a learning method that allows artificial intelligence to teach itself things like balance, skipping, walking up and down stairs. If a robot works long and hard enough, it will eventually have the same capability as a slinky. Robotics professor, Jonathan Hurst, says that one day walking robots will be as common to see as cars. Which means one day a walking robot will see a car and go “Well, what am I walking for?”

And now, a robot that drives a car. Audi has unveiled designs for a shapeshifting car. The skysphere is a self-driving car that can stretch itself out, expanding 10 inches from end-to-end. This is easily the most impressive car but the least impressive Transformer. When the car shifts into self-driving mode, the hood extends forward. The pedals and steering wheel fold themselves into the car. The  dashboard and the gear selector also disappear to give the driver-turned-passenger more room and this is the only image we have so you’re just going to have to imagine all that. The skysphere also comes with, this is true, blankets behind the driver’s seat, in case the driver wants to take a nap while the car drives itself. Folks, I can’t believe I have to say this… don’t sleep in your self-driving car. In fact, don’t even relax. Just sit up with your hands at 10 and 2, ready to catch that wheel.

Two new reality tv shows being developed both offer the same ultimate prize for the winner, Space… not like room, like outer space. “Space Hero” and Discovery Channel’s “Who Wants to be an Astronaut” will be competition shows where the winner gets a trip to the International Space Station. There’s no guarantee that NASA will have seats open for someone to go the space station but we’ll cross that Einstein-Rosen bridge when we get to it. If I may address the show producers. You guys are doing this wrong. You don’t send the winner to space. You send the *loser* to space. Banish them. Not just on this show, all reality shows. Kicked off “American Idol”? Space. Don’t make the cut on Chopped? Space. Was closest but you went over on “The Price is Right?”? Space.  Leave Earth to the winners… and apparently the robots. How crazy would it be if every episode of Survivor ended with Jeff Probst going “You have been voted off the island… By ‘island’ I mean Earth. Please put on your suit and make your way to the launchpad.” 

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.

What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Diver swallowed by whale

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Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories that need more attention. This week’s stories are:

  • Utah replenishes fish populations by dropping thousands of fish from the sky.
  • Goldfish dumped in a Minnesota lake have grown massive.
  • Michael Packard, a Cape Cod lobster diver, was swallowed by a whale and spit up on land.

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7:30 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr and this is What Did We Miss? Here I tell you the stories you might not have heard and if you have heard them… Uh, I didn’t tell them to you. What, you’re going to other places for news now? Couldn’t we have talked about this first?

First up, we head to Utah for a look at their time-tested way of repopulating the lakes. Since the 1950s, the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources have used planes to dump thousands of fish into the lakes. It’s really incredible to see. They released a video showing over 35,000 fish being dropped from the sky. Take a look at this beautiful slow motion footage of… Okay well that’s just… that’s just fish going from one bucket to another. Let’s try to get that air footage, folks. Typically, fish are restocked through pipes or by car but a lot of these more remote lakes require aerial restocking as is seen in THIS video of… them emptying… another bucket. Y’all, we have the cool part of this story, right?  Anyway the aerial process is quick for the fish and they enter the lake with a high survival rate. Okay here we go, check this out. That’s what it looks like when 35,000 fish suddenly remember they didn’t pack a parachute.

Speaking of lake restocking (You wouldn’t believe how often I use that segue) Officials in Burnsville, Minnesota are asking residents to stop dumping their pet goldfish in the ponds and lakes. See, goldfish are an invasive species there. They compete with the natural wildlife for food, eat everything up until they eventually look like this. Last time I saw a fish that big, it was mounted to a wooden board singing “Take Me To The River” They have found close to 30 gargantuan goldfish. They uproot plants, cause more algae to grow and this leads to poorer water quality. People, please remember: Goldfish don’t belong in these ponds and lakes. They belong in little plastic bags at a carnival game. I played that ping pong ball toss game as a kid. No one warned me that if I won, my prize would be responsibility.

We keep our aquatic theme to meet Michael Packard, a lobster diver with over 40 years experience, who was swallowed by a humpback whale. This man has changed the game for fish stories. Everyone’s usually like “I caught a fish *this* big” and he’s like “A fish *this* big caught *me*.” Packard was diving when he suddenly felt himself enclosed in the mouth of a whale. The whale held onto him before eventually surfacing and spitting him out on land. I feel like this is my fault. Last episode I said “Show me something more biblical than a plague of locusts” and God was like “Deal” 

“I was actually in his mouth maybe 30 seconds. I still had my regulator. I was breathing. I was wondering, one of the things that went through my mind was ‘Oh my god, what if he does swallow me? Here I am breathing air… I’m breathing air until my air runs out?’ Crazy stuff.” I know nothing about this man, what can I tell you though is…. he was doing something he should not have been. I’ve never seen a story where a person gets swallowed by a whale for doing the right thing. This man either lied to the blue fairy about skipping school or isn’t trusting that his friend is capable of helping him find his clownfish son. I’m sure this was a harrowing experience for Mr. Packard but he’s also very lucky, he could have been swallowed by a goldfish.

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.