What Did We Miss?

What Did We Miss? Man steals $1250 worth of Girl Scout cookies

Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories they did not report. This week’s stories are:

  • A man gets caught after he steals $1250 worth of girl scout cookies.
  • Scientists studying a volcano eruption in Iceland used the lava to grill hot dogs.
  • A father is being investigated after bringing his toddler into the elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

 Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7 pm. Watch earlier episodes here. 

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Transcript:

How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories that WWAY did not. They didn’t prioritize these stories but lucky for you, my standards aren’t as high.

A Minnesota man has been accused of stealing over $1200 worth of Girl Scout cookies.  He’s accused of that… because it’s what he did. Police pulled over Joel Whitaker after responding to a triggered alarm. There they found his backseat and trunk completely crammed with the cookie contraband. Whitaker told police that he was dumpster-diving behind the grocery store when he noticed unattended stacks of cookie boxes just sitting there… on pallets… behind the door… of the grocery warehouse he broke into. Here’s the problem with stealing Girl Scout cookies: you’re going to need someone to sell them. There’s no black market for Girl Scout cookies. Anyone selling Girl Scout cookies that isn’t under 5 feet and wearing a little green beret is immediately suspect. You could steal my own clothes and sell them back to me and I’d be less suspicious of you than if you approach me like “Hey man, want some Samoas?” Whitaker was charged with felony counts of burglary and theft. If convicted he could have faced a decade in prison and worse, not be able to collect his Cookie CEO badge. He’s been released on the condition that he will never break a law again. So if you’re ever charged with something… try that. 

Next up, we go to Iceland where a volcano erupted near Reykjavik. The eruption near Fagradalsfjall caused lava to flow across the Reykjanes peninsula. Now moments like this are when scientists spring into action to inform people, collect data and do some straight-up goofy nonsense. The lava had not fully cooled before some scientists began using it to grill hot dogs. Okay, I get that it’s lava, but that’s still ground food. Just because the ground is hot doesn’t mean it’s no longer the ground. Do you know how crazy you look to me throwing food on the ground before you eat it? It’s a 5-second rule, people. I bet y’all play “Floor is Lava” wrong too. Everyone’s jumping on furniture and you’re lying down making s’mores. Fortunately, the eruption was small and posed no immediate threat to the citizens of Grindavik while those in Thorlakshofn were asked to shelter indoors to avoid the gases which were nowhere near as bad as the 2010 Eyjafjallajökull volcano eruption. Here’s the thing about all the pronunciations. I’m not at all confident I’m saying these correctly, just giving an earnest attempt. Someone who knows, please rate me.

A father is being investigated for child endangerment after he took his toddler into the elephant enclosure at San Diego Zoo. This man is incredibly lucky the elephant did not want to hurt him. This wasn’t a narrow escape. The elephant caught up with him. If this was a test on how quickly he could get out, he failed. That elephant was like “Hey! My man you’re not supposed to be here. If you could kindly… thank you.” Here’s the thing, this isn’t the first time we’ve had people at the zoo who want to walk with the animals. In 2019, a woman at the Bronx Zoo offered a lion a hug. A week before that, a North Dakota woman touched an ape for a selfie. Last May, Someone at the Warsaw Zoo hopped the moat of the bear enclosure and then tried to drown the bear. The list goes on and I’ve only mentioned the times the people walked away after. People really know how to take the fun out of putting animals in captivity. Folks, don’t climb in with the animals to get a picture. It’s rude. Let them come to you. If that elephant wanted a selfie he would have walked up to the fence like “Hey, let me get that. No no, don’t do duckface. This isn’t 2013.”

I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.