Every week, I go on WWAY News and give a comedic report on the weird or obscure news stories they did not report. This week’s stories are:
- ‘Torched Earth’ is a new beer that tastes awful to raise climate change awareness.
- An Australian man was attacked by a territorial octopus.
- Caron McBride was surprised to learn a 20-year overdue rental of “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” landed her a felony embezzlement charge.
Watch “What Did We Miss?” on WWAY News every Thursday at 5:30 am and 7 pm. Watch earlier episodes here.
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Transcript:
How goes it? I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and this is “What Did We Miss?” Here I tell you the stories WWAY did not. Not all the stories, just enough to make you think I’m fascinating.
New Belgium Brewing’s latest beer, Torched Earth, tastes terrible. That’s not my review; it’s on purpose. New Belgium says the awful taste is meant to bring awareness to climate change. Bravo to that PR team. That is impressive. Someone told them their product is awful and they went “Uh, yeah…. The ice caps are melting. You think we’re going to make good beer at a time like this? Priorities, man” Climate change is making certain beer ingredients harder to obtain so Torched Earth is made without any of them. Instead of hops and good grains, it’s made out of dirty water, dandelions and not-as-good grains. So sure, add ‘bad beer’ to the list of things wrong with a climate crisis. Not only could mankind be thrown into a Roland Emmerich-level disaster, we’re all going to be surviving it sober.
Up next, we head to Australia where a man found himself the target of a spiteful octopus. This is a story that would never happen to me. I’ll talk you through it. Lance Karlson was at the beach when he saw what he thought was a stingray lashing out of the water so he went to go get a closer look. That’s the first part where this tale would have ended for me. I see a stingray at the beach, I’m like “It’s none of my business. Keep it moving.” Karlson got close enough to see that it was an octopus who was not pleased to see him. This is the second part where were I the protagonist, the story would be over because now my beach day is ruined and I’m going home. Instead, Karlson set his family up on the beach and decided to go for a swim. That’s when the world’s most vindictive octopus came back for more. Karlson felt tentacle stings on his arms, neck and back. Third part where the story would have ended for me… here is where I die. I don’t know how to treat stings. Fortunately, Lance knew to treat himself with soda and is fine. So if anyone ever tells you soda isn’t healthy let them know that there is one incredibly specific scenario where it is.
A few weeks ago I told you about a woman who returned a library book 63 years overdue and faced zero consequences for it. Now we go to a woman who is not as lucky. Texas Woman, Caron McBride, recently discovered she’s wanted for felony embezzlement after failing to return a VHS of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, 20 years ago. The recently married McBride was attempting to update her driver’s license when the DMV informed her she had an outstanding warrant for her arrest in Norman, Oklahoma. She was still wanted even though that video store shut down over a decade ago. You knew that, because it’s a video store. The only open place where you can still see a VHS is a museum. McBride claims she never checked out the tape and believes it was her ex-boyfriend, who is ignoring her Facebook messages. In his defense, he probably hasn’t watched it yet and wants a little more time. Caron’s charges have now been dropped. No word on if this Sabrina VHS contains the made-for-TV movie or the TGIF sitcom. We will keep an active eye on this story until we find out.
I’m Wills Maxwell Jr. and that’s what we missed.
Wills Maxwell Jr. 